So, if you’ve gotten through all of that, you can set about starting to design an effective protocol for your dynamic – that is, what punishment will look like. I would strongly suggest reading my post on how to set protocol. I have just covered the points which specifically relate to punishment in this guide. Why have protocol? Clear communication is the foundation of any BDSM dynamic, so being clear on what you want is very important. I have spoken to so many people who get confused between the two, which leads to a myriad of problems (the most common one I’ve covered below).

Research first: before trying out any kink, do plenty of research to make sure it’s really for you – especially for kinks sitting at the more extreme end of the scale. The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance is a good place to start. Do excuse the length, but I wanted to be as thorough as possible. I have done my best to make it navigable – you will find an index below and the guide is split up into six sections. These two points are stressed a lot in the kink community for good reason. But if you’re past the kink 101 stage, they can get a bit tiring to read about. So, if you’re experienced or really, if you’ve been around the kink community for more than five minutes Atonement / closure: submissives are often driven by the need to please and knowing they displeased their dominant can be difficult to put to bed. Punishment can offer closure – a clear, easy means of atoning for whatever it is, allowing them to move on.With no holds barred, it’s the home of sex positive chat, where Miranda will be joined each week by sexperts and special guests to explore the world of the erotic.

Everyone has different limits and boundaries, and it’s important to respect that. Follow our 6 tips to make sure kinky sex is a safe, positive experience for everyone involved: Let me take a bit of a tangent for a moment to explain why. Today, while I was driving around running errands, the DJ on the radio was talking about relationships. He noted that 71% of people polled for a particular study said that they wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone unless they felt it was “egalitarian,” and that 29% didn’t mind following someone else’s lead. Of course, I have no idea what study this was, nor do I give it any real credence. But I do feel that the vast majority of Westerner’s feel relationships should be equal and would not understand the power dynamic of a D/s relationship or why any submissive would want it. And punishment? Well that’s just abuse, right? That is to say, punishment, just like reward, beauty, and the optimal shade of brown for toast, is entirely in the eye of the beholder. Is punishment the same thing as discipline? The misunderstandings around what it means to be a male submissive can lead to awkwardness when expressing your kink with a new partner who may not necessarily be part of the BDSM world.

Discipline and Punishment: Ideas for Discreet Punishment

Safewords give subs control over all play. Despite subs’ nominal subservience, the core irony of BDSM play is that the subs are always in charge, thanks to safe words. If subs feel uneasy, they might say “yellow light,” meaning they’d like to stay in role but discuss their ambivalence. If subs feel threatened, they might say “red light.” Role-playing ends. The action stops. And participants reconsider their agreements. Important reminder: the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe, which is why reading The Ultimate Guide to a Safe BDSM Lifestyle is important. A written BDSM contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on. Gifts- Gifts do not have to be extravagant. They can be small. For example, maybe the submissive likes chocolate, coffee mugs, or makeup. You can get her one of these items and present it to her when she does as you ask or complies with a rule that has been difficult for her to follow in the past. As a submissive, when I hear these things, it helps me relax. It helps me trust. It helps me see myself the way my Dom sees me. I want to please him, and when I please him, he rewards me. And that thrills me more than anything. He has me and it makes me want to do more to please him. I’m delighted and fulfilled when he is happy with me.

Anything later than a day often misses the goal of teaching the sub so they learn to never do it again. Subs need to also see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them. If a Dom ignores bad behavior or puts off (or neglects) submissive punishments, the sub can feel insignificant or unimportant. Just to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with that kind of thing. It’s just not my cup of tea. If it’s yours, go for it like it’s 1722 and you’re at Tom King’s Coffee House (obscure reference, I know). Why is distinguishing punishment vs funishment important? Rewards don’t need to be things. Tangible items are nice, but non-physical things can be just as wonderful, and they don’t require any money spent. Personally, I prefer these type of rewards, especially when they aren’t expected. They take thought and consideration. When a Dominant takes the time to think of these things, they have learned how the submissive will respond. They really understand her. This is a high degree of intimacy between the couple. If I broke a rule and knew that I disappointed my Dominant, I would need to have a discussion about what happened, why I shouldn’t break the rule, why the punishment happened, and that I am still loved and cared for. I made a bad choice, I am not a bad girl. While it looks different than post-playtime aftercare, that bit of reassurance and reconnection allows me to have time to improve and remember he is still there for me. Rewards While reading this guide, please keep in mind – power exchange dynamics are based on mutual effort. What that effort looks like may vary depending on which side of the slash you’re on, but at the end of the day (and I cannot stress this enough), you cannot train a relationship partner to treat you better. If they are not going to put in effort into your relationship of their own accord, you can’t make them.No. No it doesn’t. A Dominant should have the balls to own up to a mistake…He should also have the humanity to apologize or even make amends, but a sub does not “punish” a Dom (at least in my opinion). I think it’s fair to call a Dominant on bad, wrong, or unacceptable behavior and even, if it is against an agreement (or common sense), to refuse compliance and request an emergency “meeting” to discuss it. But, I’d be very interested to know what others think on this topic.