Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

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Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. —Codependent No More Many of you have written to me, saying how much I've helped you. Well, you've helped and touched me, too. The term is now used in a more broad sense: you can use the term (or concept or ideas or paradigm, if you don't feel the need to use the latest pop culture terminology) to describe one who feels compelled to help others to the point of hurting themself and the intended compassionate recipient. The best line is these two books is that codependents do "all the wrong things for all the right reasons."

I have preferred Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction for better coverage of this topic. I'm also keen to read Leslie Irvine's Codependent Forevermore, which is an even-handed critique of CoDA and the recovery moment in general. Some things haven't changed, at least not a lot. I still refuse to be an expert and permanently decline the title of "guru." But I'm still willing to tell you what I see, and believe. Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go. When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers. We have met our match when we attempt to control them. we lose the battles, We lose the wars. We lose our selves---our lives. You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. p 80 Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else’s life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views…that’s alright.

Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending toa loved one’s self-destructive behavior, you may be codependent—and you may find yourself in this book.With instructive life stories, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests, Codependent No Morehelps you to break old patterns, maintain healthy boundaries, and say no to unhealthyrelationships. It offers a clear and achievable pathto freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness. I've grown and changed. I've watched my friends grow and change. Many of you have written to me about your growth and change. So what is codependency? The term was coined originally to describe spouses of those dependent on alcohol or other drugs. For example, we'll say a woman is married to an alcoholic husband. The husband, dependent on the alcohol, is hampered in his ability to overcome alcoholism because of his codependent wife.

REVISED AND UPDATED  With a New Chapter on Trauma and Anxiety, a List of Resources, and More  2023 Nautilus Book Award Winner  As heard on Glennon Doyle's We Can Do Hard Things Podcast Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. p 62,63 There's also an app based on another book by the author, The Language of Letting Go, that offers daily thoughts to meditate on (my therapist recommended that for me, too). I've really loved that because, unlike a book, which I read and then put aside, the app brings up one small idea for me every day. Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thinking we are unlovable can sabotage our relationships with co-workers, friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we don’t believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact. While growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important people in our life. We may have concluded that the reason we weren’t loved was because we were unlovable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one. If others couldn’t love us, or love us in ways that worked, that’s not our fault. In recovery, we’re learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others. And we’re learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us. Just as we may have believed that we’re unlovable, we can become skilled at practicing the belief that we are lovable. This new belief will improve the quality of our relationships. It will improve our most important relationship: our relationship with our self. We will be able to let others love us and become open to the love and friendship we deserve. Today, help me be aware of and release any self-defeating beliefs I have about being unlovable. Help me begin, today, to tell myself that I am lovable. Help me practice this belief until it gets into my core and manifests itself in my relationships.” Although some things appear not to have changed, things are constantly changing. Our consciousness, as individuals and as a society, has been raised. We've realized that women have souls, and men have feelings.

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We try to live happily---focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more. Detachment involves "present moment living"--living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. we relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. ... I was first introduced to the term "codependent" by my therapist a little over a year ago. I remember being flabberghasted. "NOT ME! I'm the most financially independent woman there is. I don't need a man or anyone for that matter!" I have been aware of the term 'Codependent' for a long time, but it only recently popped up on my personal radar as something to look into and understand better. Within days of my starting to take an interest in the topic this book was referenced in another I was then reading (Traumata, by Meera Atkinson). A few weeks later I was looking at audiobooks in the local library and spotted this title, so immediately chose it. Melody Beattie's compassionate and insightful look into codependency-the concept of losing oneself in the name of helping another-has guided millions of readers toward the understanding that they are powerless to change anyone but themselves and that caring for the self is where healing begins. Kad čia pat knyga kalba apie tai, kas nėra rūpestis savimi ir kaltės atsikratymas - piktybinis kito neišgirdimas ar elgesys, kai žinai, kad kenki kitam, nėra "savo poreikių tenkinimas", abejingumas ir pasyvi agresija nėra "rūpestis savimi" ar "savo ribų brėžimas".



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